Forgiven My Mistakes

I’m tired. It’s been a long day. I’m not done yet either.

I thought about my ex today… I tried to think about Leesh. It didn’t really work. We’ve been fighting recently. It just seems like she has no time for me, and I know we’re not dating, but we have barely spoken in a week… I kind of want to see her. She’s got work, and homework, which leaves little time for me…

I just want to quit this monotony. It’s self inflicted and I can’t really help it, it’s sort of like my punishment for being irresponsible. That doesn’t mean I want it to stay this way. Sometimes I just want to run. From my problems, from my Ex, from everyone who wants me in any way, from my family, from my car, from the debt from that… I wonder when my debts will be settled. Money, Karma and otherwise… I’m just tired of it all.

I want my whip. I want to quit all the futzing around and the bullshit. I want to be working a better-paying job, better suited to my skill sets… Not that I know what those even are anymore.

I’m sick of unfulfilled relationships. I want a girlfriend again. One I like, one who doesn’t bother me… I don’t even think my standards are unreasonable… I just don’t think the right one is presenting themselves (like they ever do), but also I don’t know if there’s a forest with all these damn trees obscuring it!

I can’t wait for summer. Paintball. Testing out the SL-68. Driving Silvia. Swimming, Roller Blading…

“Here I stand a better man, Thank you Lord. THANK YOU ALL!
Let the rain, wash away all the pain of yesterday.
I know my kingdom awaits, and they’ve forgiven my mistakes.
I’m coming home. I’m coming home.
Tell the world: I’m coming home!” – Diddy

I am a better man. I’m a better person. I’ve paid 10 times over for every mistake I’ve made. I will be paying in one way or another for it for the rest of my life… I know I’m not finished growing, and I learn new stuff every day. I’ve almost died on 2 separate occasions. I try to be nice, I help people when they ask. I care about Leesh. — These are things I know to be true.

I own nothing, and am alive through someone else’s good graces. Leesh cares about me. I will eventually pay my dues. — Things I believe are true.

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