This Sucks

I read a book once, titled "Things Fall Apart". It was about the arrival of the white man in Africa for a particular african Tribe if I recall. In it, the main character’s life falls apart. His position in the tribe, his family, his entire way of life even.

I know my petty strugles are no where near that magnitude, but I’m starting to think I might understand how he felt on some much lesser level.

I’m 19. I’m 5k in debt to a bank for my car, which I have to sell. I’m 4.5-5k in debt to my parents because of my own stupidity in said car, my sister hates me for breaking my old car (hers), my girlfriend left me 6 months ago, and now she’s back in my life and through no fault of her own, making me feel a variety of emotions I hate feeling, other girls I have approached are taken, annoying, attracted to other men/women or some combination of the 3! My friends are all going back to college and they’re making fun of the feelings that are killing me.

School is going to be a mess this semester as all I am taking are night classes, so I could pay off my car loans. The one time I think ahead, it fucks me. The whole point of night classes if you haven’t already surmised are so I can take more hours at work.

The way I figured it, there were going to be a lot of part timers applying for the late shift because of school and other jobs. If I take the morning and mid-day shifts that some of the lifers and full-timers don’t want, I can scrounge some hours and make a bit more than I normally could on a school year.

Of course, I have to stay focused on school, so, I’ll be taking one weekday off of work and one off of school. Seperate days of course so I can space my breaks out and stay sane… as much as possible anymore.

With me having to sell my car, it more or less fucks my plans this semester and for the next 2 years at least. After I sell this car, I’ll have no money for any other car, meaning I’ll have to take out another loan. Even though mom says she’ll help, when work docks some of her pay next year, I’ll be bent over anyway! Add to that that my little sister needs a car as well, and my college fund/remaining fund is at 17k, and I’m left with take a loan and deal with the massive debt, or take my college money and deal with the student loans when I’m all done… Fuck this is getting thick.

My car can’t be saved because NY sucks and the SR20 is illegal. If the 240 had been legal, I wouldn’t have to worry at all. The only problemn with it thats major, is that it cannot pass inspection! THAT’S ALL! What kind of bull crap is that.

So, to sum it all up. No car, massive crushing debt requiring I keep my job for another 2-6 years, my sister hates me, I miss my ex a lot, and if she doesn’t know why I think I’d have to kill myself, I owe my sister a car, and my parents won’t be able to help me in a year, also, I owe them money!

I’m about to give up here, This shit is getting rediculous, and my life was supposed to get better without my girlfriend, all it’s done is open the floodgates for me… I’m fucked.

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