Monthly Archives: August 2010

She got me again

When she contacted me a few weeks ago, I wanted to know why… I didn’t realize, or maybe I just didn’t want to admit, I still loved her.

I still wanted to be with her. She told me when I hugged her, that it was more than friendly. She was right. I care about her as more than a friend. I always will. She cannot be just a friend. I refuse to think of her like that, because it’s such a colossal downgrade! I can’t go from a two yer relationship, where I told her I loved everyday to, we don’t talk and we don’t hang out because you’re scared something will happen.

She had a few reasons to call me, of which this time, she looked for an excuse, hence my hoodie.
1) She missed me and was considering getting back together (to have me help raise her maybe-kid).
2) She was using me as her backup plan, and had no intention of even being friends till all else failed
3) She’s super confused and has no idea why she contacted me, doubtful
4) She’s a massive bitch and she wanted to string me along some more.

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, time does not heal all wounds! She could’ve given me a year and I wouldn’t necessarily be over her!

I dreamt she was laughing at me for believing she wanted me back, and falling for it again…

After all the time I’ve spent spinning my wheels this summer. I just don’t want to deal with her. She’ll get a new BF soon enough, plaster him all over her FB, sleep with him within a week or 2 and end up exactly where she was. I’m sick of this cycle too. It took her 6 months to go farther with a new guy and have him leave her than it did with me! I don’t wanna be around for her to cry on.

She says she’s moved on and that it should be easy for me. But it isn’t. I tell her to let me go, and she says she has. But every time she talks to me, I feel myself get slowly pulled back in and hopeful.

I’ve severed all ties with her 3 times and she keeps coming back. Fuck it! I’m sick of this cycle where I’m like her ground zero! Fuck! I don’t want this anymore.

That Damn Smile

After making plans, and appropriately preparing myself for a meeting with fate… Haircut, shave, nice clothes, comfortable shoes, various mental prep, the works… I went to the fair grounds to meet with my ex for a real talk. The first in 6 months.

After arriving at 8 PM, and wandering till 10:19 PM, I finally found her, on her way out, and after 2 brisk hugs and very few words, she was off. All the while with that damn smile on her face.

That Damn Smile as it should be known now, is that impenetrable smile women wear when they talk. It’s similar to a poker face.

I know that women seldom say what they mean. It’s much easier to read a person’s body language, even if one isn’t experienced in such ventures, than to try and read them vocally such as on the phone. Women tend to convey thoughts through subtle actions. A fireworks display to most men, some women tend to bite their lower lip when they are “in the mood”… Or stare at the ground when faced with an unpleasant memory…

My ex, from when she saw me, to when she walked away, had That Damn Smile on. I didn’t accomplish what I wanted to!? I wanted to know what she was thinking. Even a rough idea. She contacted me after 8 months out of the blue, an I wanted to know why… Because of That Damn Smile however, I learned nothing in 3-4 minutes. I’m exactly where I started except now I’m angry I wasted my night looking for her! She hung up on me and my friend because her parents were watching her… She found me by accident and waved me over and everything, and 3 minutes later, she was gone, and I had wasted any money I spent there because I hadn’t accomplished anything, and I had no fun trying to hunt her down.

Damn. Yeah. After all that build up, this was mainly a pissed off rant. Whatever, goodnight. Hope you got something from this.

Heartbreak Warfare

When I signed in last night, I was greeted with “Love is a losing battle”. When pressed to whom she was battling, She replied “men”. When pressed she replied “the ones that I talk to”.

Love isn’t easy, but it sure as hell ain’t a losing battle until someone admits defeat. One of my personal mantras has always been “don’t quit until it’s hopeless”.

A good relationship is like a good house. Without a strong foundation, it will fall, without a comfortable midsection, it won’t stay comfortable to be in, and without a good insulation, you won’t be protected from the outside. I’m speaking metaphorically of course, but really. A relationship takes time and effort to build and maintain. I believe everyone who dates should be at a point in the relationship where outside forces have no effect on the relationship!

I’m someone who made a mistake earlier. I was a cheater, and I stopped. Because I loved the girl I was with. Anything is possible if your will is strong enough. That is true, at least relationship wise.

One thing I found out, is you cannot change anyone but yourself. You have the power to change anything, by changing yourself. I’m not saying act a certain way to get something or someone, but if there is a bad habit preventing you from being happy, change it! Smoker? Quit! Alcoholic? Pour the booze out! Chronically late? Get yourself a planner and leave earlier! It is all how badly you want to change.

Mind over matter. If your mind is strong enough, matter won’t matter.

You’ve seen people survive years past what doctors say is possible, why? They will tell you, will power. If you truly want something with all your heart, your willpower will help you make it happen. Only when you believe something is impossible is it.

If you resign yourself to defeat, you will never win. Just IMHO.

Figured Something Out

I was talking with my best friend Steve on the way home today. He had to give me a ride due to Silvia’s condition at the moment…

We got to talking about women and we came to a realization. Women talk to their Friends about their relationships, if you’re dating a woman, they can’t talk to you about that, so they’ll talk to you about boring shit, you know how I know even they think it’s boring?

Even they can’t tell when we’re paying attention! Hey, quick tip, IF YOU FOUND IT BORING, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK WE’LL FIND IT INTERESTING?!

Women, all women, when they talk about their relationship, they’ll talk to someone not quite completely removed but close enough to the situation that they have an inkling of what’s going on… Because they want someone to agree with them!

No matter how much you think you know about someone else’s relationship, I’ll bet you a million dollars you don’t know as much as the people actually involved with the relationship! I don’t care if you’re best buds or girlfriends, you don’t know the whole story! Because no one ever tells the whole story!

I feel that if a woman wants to talk about their relationship, they should be able to talk about it with their better half! Seriously, if it’s affecting his or her life, she/he deserves to know what’s coming so they can act accordingly.

My ex dumped me without talking to me. She talked to her family, her friends, her dance friends, pretty much everyone but myself. I can’t change it, but it was something that made me sad.

If you’ve dated someone for more than a month, you should have the confidence to discuss your relationship with the one you’re dating. If it’s been more than a month, they deserve to know if you’ve kept them around.

Just my own personal opinions.

This Sucks

I read a book once, titled "Things Fall Apart". It was about the arrival of the white man in Africa for a particular african Tribe if I recall. In it, the main character’s life falls apart. His position in the tribe, his family, his entire way of life even.

I know my petty strugles are no where near that magnitude, but I’m starting to think I might understand how he felt on some much lesser level.

I’m 19. I’m 5k in debt to a bank for my car, which I have to sell. I’m 4.5-5k in debt to my parents because of my own stupidity in said car, my sister hates me for breaking my old car (hers), my girlfriend left me 6 months ago, and now she’s back in my life and through no fault of her own, making me feel a variety of emotions I hate feeling, other girls I have approached are taken, annoying, attracted to other men/women or some combination of the 3! My friends are all going back to college and they’re making fun of the feelings that are killing me.

School is going to be a mess this semester as all I am taking are night classes, so I could pay off my car loans. The one time I think ahead, it fucks me. The whole point of night classes if you haven’t already surmised are so I can take more hours at work.

The way I figured it, there were going to be a lot of part timers applying for the late shift because of school and other jobs. If I take the morning and mid-day shifts that some of the lifers and full-timers don’t want, I can scrounge some hours and make a bit more than I normally could on a school year.

Of course, I have to stay focused on school, so, I’ll be taking one weekday off of work and one off of school. Seperate days of course so I can space my breaks out and stay sane… as much as possible anymore.

With me having to sell my car, it more or less fucks my plans this semester and for the next 2 years at least. After I sell this car, I’ll have no money for any other car, meaning I’ll have to take out another loan. Even though mom says she’ll help, when work docks some of her pay next year, I’ll be bent over anyway! Add to that that my little sister needs a car as well, and my college fund/remaining fund is at 17k, and I’m left with take a loan and deal with the massive debt, or take my college money and deal with the student loans when I’m all done… Fuck this is getting thick.

My car can’t be saved because NY sucks and the SR20 is illegal. If the 240 had been legal, I wouldn’t have to worry at all. The only problemn with it thats major, is that it cannot pass inspection! THAT’S ALL! What kind of bull crap is that.

So, to sum it all up. No car, massive crushing debt requiring I keep my job for another 2-6 years, my sister hates me, I miss my ex a lot, and if she doesn’t know why I think I’d have to kill myself, I owe my sister a car, and my parents won’t be able to help me in a year, also, I owe them money!

I’m about to give up here, This shit is getting rediculous, and my life was supposed to get better without my girlfriend, all it’s done is open the floodgates for me… I’m fucked.

Typin’ a Post on Fedora

Well, I booted up my computer and to be pleasantly surprised, Fedora 12 booted up instead of Windows Vista.

Fedora is a pretty clean and spiffy OS. It’s Linux and therefore comes with a built in App to Blog, which is kinda cool. Most of the nuts and bolts must be tightened with the Terminal however… No biggy.

So, My Ex and I ended up talking for a bit, and more or less getting back to being friends… I mean I’m not sure how I’ll handle it when she gets her next beau. Chances are not well.

She says she misses being loved. I miss her. But I can’t make her do something that will make her unhappy. I’ll stick around, just not close. Who knows, maybe we’ll end up starting over. I don’t know how she feels, I doubt most women understand why they feel like they do. But I’m not one, so I won’t make assumptions.

Back to tech stuff. I guess I found someone to help me with my ride. (See for more details)

I actually found a very good picture, and it reminded me so much of her that I almost cried… Will post up later.

It occurs to me that Linux may have booted because the Windows HDD nuked itself… I’m going to be so pissed if that’s the case.

I must say!

For all my belly acheing about missing her… Single life is so much less stressful than a relationship!

No one calling at 10:30 and staying on the phone till they all asleep, no drama, no stressing over money for two people, no driving all over creation for rides, no more “life is like a museum; you can look but you can’t touch”!

I’m saving money, and I’m trying to find a car that will fit. Damn!

I can actually focus on shit! I’m making money at work, I’m working more hours and enjoying my offtime because I’m worrying less without a woman!

I can go after whoever I want… Man, if it wasn’t for the loneliness, and the void created when she left, I think I’d be 150%

I know I’m going to be alright. I made some money today and I’m in a good-ish mood.