Monthly Archives: June 2010

Why am I thinking about Her!?

So, recently, I’ve been thinking more about Her than I should. Yeah, my Ex.

I had a dream about her a few days ago. She and I were forced to hang at a party of some kind. She was staying near me, but I was still mad, so I tried to play it off like I didn’t care, like walking away from her and the others… She ended up following me, and when she bumped me, our fingers touched… I looked at her wierdley, then I brushed her hand. She laced her fingers with mine. She smiled, and my jaw dropped. She told me she missed me and was so sorry she hurt me… I started to cry, and I kissed her, and embraced her, and I told her I forgave her. I moved back and knocked something over, then I realized I was asleep… I cried out as it started to slip away… “I love you Kate!”… I woke up… Wiped the tears from my eyes and wondered why I dreamed it.

I don’t understand why I’ve been thinking about her. I miss her now, but I don’t want to be friends. I still don’t want to think about her with other guys. Whether or not I still give a shit about her, I never want to see or hear about a girl I was with, with another guy… Which is why in general I keep my distance from all my exs. But Bitchbay especially.

She really hurt me last time we talked, and refusing to give me my ring back! Not my $1200 bracelet… A single ring. A promise ring. I spent $230 bucks on it… I just wanted it back. It was a deal to me. She told me all the things I got her or did for her were just things, they didn’t mean anything. She told me it was all a high school relationship and that her new relationship isn’t and how it means so much to her… And that it started the day she dumped me… She hurt me, and I don’t see a reason to let her back in.

She wanted to be friends, friends don’t hurt each other intentionally, friends don’t let friends waste money on them and then tell them it didn’t mean anything to them…

It doesn’t matter. I’m just bitching. I’m angry, probably because we got back together around this time last year… Obviously my subconcious is telling me I want her back, but I don’t care. She hurt me so bad. Any trust I had for her is gone. She told me she didn’t care. She told me I was immature, and that I was materialistic, and that I shouldn’t care cuz she didn’t…

I guess I just wanted to bitch. Yes I miss her. Do I still love her? I don’t know. Would I ever let her back in? I don’t know, but I know I shouldn’t. She’ll probably never see this, and more than that she’ll probably say it’s sad I’m not over her. It’s not about her, it’s about me, and my feelings, and she fucked them up and blamed it on me. That’s what it’s about, and maybe, I miss my best friend. But I don’t know where she’s gone. She isn’t here now, that’s for sure.